Feeling empty after leaving an abusive relationship

by Angie
(IN)

First, I must say that I am very happy to have found this site. Last night I prayed intently for God to show me a way out of my pain.

I have only been in my relationship for 5 months and the first 4 seemed wonderful at the time. However, looking back the signs were there and I know that I chose to continue with the relationship by focusing on the good and making a mental note of the bad. One of the first signs was that I had a bad feeling that he had lied to me about his living situation and his car.

I continued with the relationship, telling myself that the truth always comes out and if he had lied, I would simply break off the relationship. As it turned out, my suspicions were true, but by the time I had hard proof, I was emotionally vested.

The first time I noticed the emotional abuse was during a time when I asked for his emotional support when my older pet became very sick and I knew that a hard choice had to be made. He became angry that I had asked him to go to the Vet with me and after his belittling and angry tirade I felt horrible that I had asked.

After that the times that he belittled me, cursed at me, and found faults with me became more frequent. Weekly in fact. He abuses alcohol and in the beginning I thought it was related to the drinking or lack of. But I know now that it is totally about control.

A few weeks ago, he became angry and pulled my hair, hurt my wrist and hit me in the face with an object. At that point, I knew that I had to break it off and that it would only escalate.

He has threatened me, tells me that his behavior is my fault, calls me names, and tells me that I need to be a better woman. He told me that he is the head and I need to listen to him, that I should step up and do the right things to keep him and should know my place as a woman. All this was said after I broke up with him.

I know that none of this is okay and I know that what he is asking of me is impossible. I know what he is asking is wrong. And I know that what he has done is abuse.

Even so, in my heart I look for his call and in some odd way have hope for change. And in some way, I keep thinking that if I had said the right thing or maybe not given him an impression that he could control me, our relationship would be what it should be. Not possible, I know that. But even so...